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[22 Jun 2008|04:33pm] |
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still miss chris a lot, but getting over it as time goes on (or rather, realizing why "it can't work," but still hurting a lot cause i love him a lot and it sucks that he can't even talk to me anymore). it's nice to be home, though; i really love my family and being around them is great. especially considering all my mom and i do is watch tv shows about ghosts and window shop.
had a graduation party, which a good number of people attended, and involved the classiest cheeses ever. zomgz. u wuz not there, u misssd aut.
sort of really wanted these raf simons:
but got these karen walkers for essentially half the price:
they look a lot larger on me.
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[29 Apr 2008|01:12am] |
there needs to be more smell art
food is kind of that, but it's intended primarily for taste...
SCRATCH AND SNIFF REVOLUTION
ha!
...just think, an analyser that can take smell particle readings, deconstruct and database that digitally...then have a smell regeneration machine that can accompany audio/visual shit
imagine if you could capture those childhood smells into a jar forever, and smell it all you wanted?
that would really fuck people up, man
smell is so important
you could use that as a torture device
people would, like, never leave their houses
never interact!
JUST SMELL
starve someone, then bombard then with all their favorite food smells
that would be all the interaction/emotion one would need!
hah....are we basically on that track already ??
well we have the internet
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| fw08 |
[20 Apr 2008|04:12pm] |
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in black
pants (jodphurs!) & top
( more! )
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[15 Apr 2008|10:08pm] |
the crux of my dream two nights ago.
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[26 Mar 2008|02:56am] |
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[14 Jan 2008|03:52pm] |
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[02 Dec 2007|09:36am] |
i woke up today at 6 am to the snow falling quietly on south 2nd.my fire escape was covered, and who'd've thought that i only noticed it about 15 minutes after being awake, right when i stepped back into my room after putting deodorant on so i could dress myself for the day.
i asked him if he thought it was possible for someone to fall in love with me, knowing full well that he likely had for a week 3 years ago. this was in response to my actions the previous night in which i got too drunk and dialed the number of someone i feel like i want to marry and have children with after only knowing him for a week. it's not that i want to keep certain parts of me a secret. if anything, telling many people about myself distills the pain and loneliness. it's just that i would liked to have kept my true vices secret for a little beyond a week, to a point where it would be more difficult to realize that i'm not worth dealing with certain issues.
so i woke up and feel new and feel happy and feel less distressed. i was going to go back to bed until ten, but my stomach hurt and i really do need to get started on my web design project. i haven't a clue what i'm doing as an interpretation of my senior thesis, so i'm just going to do everything that comes to mind. right now i'm resizing images and saving them. 30 images. it's just like i'm at artforum, but it's now 9:42 am and a sunday and though i can't see it, i know that when i go outside, small snow particles will fall on me.
right now i am in the basement of my first dorm. the computer lab is 24 hours, and i think i was the first person here for the day.
i'm glad i work somewhere that gives me so many knits; it's easier to keep warm on days like this.
i have a feeling i'll be waking up at 6 am every day from now on until december 11.
on december 12, i may get a kitty & rayray will be visiting for a day.
on december 12, i will have to endure 12 more days of cold weather until i get to go back home to see my family.
after those 12 days, i will have a month until my show and my last semester as an undergraduate student at new york university.
nothing is a very big deal anymore, as long as i have an onion bagel & kombucha.
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[01 Nov 2007|10:16pm] |
miss call from a restricted number
and no message means it was probably
him and not my mom.
all those beautiful boys
pimps and queens and criminal queers
all those beautiful boys
tattoos of ships and tattoos of tears
not really sad.
just don't know how else to be.
tears are beautiful to me.
they make me rejoice
in inanna's great power.
(i wanna go to yale.)
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[14 Oct 2007|08:23pm] |
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MARK YOUR CALENDARS & BUY YOUR TICKETS.
MY SENIOR THESIS SHOW'S OPENING RECEPTION IS JANUARY 24.
it will be the best one. there will be wine, beer, and me.
come!!
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[14 Oct 2007|08:11pm] |
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life feels okay, but i think my medication is tricking my head into not being stressed out. i guess i work better last minute, and i guess i actually have been keeping up with my work, but i've also been drinking and eating out a lot. i work at a good job that pays me really well for only working the weekends, and the "stress" is from things i absolutely love, so maybe i would not be stressed even if i was not on anti-depressants.
i texted one best friend about drinking wine while on pills, and she said "please don't die." that statement coupled with an article i read in glamour made me realize i should probably quit the wino business. i'm not 17 anymore. it's not really that cute. my other best friend told me to stop using wine as a reason to procrastinate, so i guess i should actually start shooting, too.
i spend a lot of money i don't have on stupid shit and a lot of energy i don't have on even stupider shit, but i guess it's pretty senseless to beat myself up too much about it. being shitty (to a certain extent) - caring about the wrong things, making mistakes - is all part of the human condition. even those facing death don't all do something to stop it (if all jews & others being persecuted during the holocaust, would they all have died? if native americans hadn't been nice to the immigrants, would they've ended up on reservations with the highest suicide and alcoholic rates of any ethnicity?), so sometimes me worrying about a dude instead of a paper may just not be the worst thing in the world.
i'm reading some really good books, though. everything studied so connects with everything, it's ridiculous. i really believe that education is the key to anyone's problems.
i like getting old. i like liking myself. i even like having a very few number of friends; they're all people who i absolutely adore. i'm so calm and okay with things, it's sort of frightening. but i dunno. maybe there's always a storm a-brewin'. i just release it creatively and through learning and work as opposed to drunk texts.
go me.
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| DEAR ART SCHOOL GRADUATES, |
[09 Oct 2007|05:13am] |
is it okay if nearly half way through the first semester of my senior year i feel like all i have are sketches of good ideas, with maybe 1 or 2 really good prints?
4 years of expressed interest by an institution in helping me grow as a visual artist, and all i have are 2 pictures, 4 or 5 ideas for good pictures, and 2 really rough videos.
HALP!
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[08 Oct 2007|10:06pm] |
i have been a huge asshole to two people who i am extremely close to over the past few years. when someone hurts me i will always take them back, always forgive them. i am completely in love with those i let in. sometimes that love turns to hate, but i tend to see it all as an obvious expression of how deeply i've cared for them (i would only feel this shitty if they meant something to me, etc, etc).
either way, some people won't ever take me back. i guess i'm pretty crazy. i guess i'm never really sorry. i don't even feel bad necessarily; due to my father and past situations in which i've let it completely control me, i see regret as something truly for the weak.
i dunno. it just sort of sucks. i have very few true friends. i know i'm essentially a good person, but sometimes i can be such a fucking bitch, and i really wish it wasn't in me. even if it is the other person's fault (which at this point it rarely is), i oughtn't react so extremely.
everything i create is to share with others, and i can find good in everyone, but it's those who i get closest to who i find it easiest to fuck over. i prove my love and theirs by testing it and testing it until they don't come back.
i dunno where this is going. i don't mean it to be a pity party; as previously stated, i don't really feel bad about anything.
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[07 Oct 2007|04:51pm] |
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attempting to re-gain an innocence that i lost long ago is feeling more and more like understanding how one interpreted the world around oneself before one had the ability to speak. it is something that is endlessly fascinating, but in the end, like most anthropological ventures, the answer can only really be guessed, never proven. even a group of mutes in south america developed their own method of communication before being taught universal sign language.
how can one fully grasp the experience/culture/knowledge of someone else? i guess no one can, and that is what is so frustrating - beyond our ancestors being one of us, which seems to be enough of a reason to understand and empathize with one another, they were each individual human beings. i know that most of my choices are completely irrational, even to myself, so how can i get in the head of someone else?
this is why i have always been rather weary of therapists.
i had a good birthday. i have a really wonderful set of friends at am at an increasingly exciting point in my life. i think a few things would improve my outlook, but can't have everything all at once.
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[30 Sep 2007|07:54pm] |
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i feel bored & wasteful.
& fat.
whatever.
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[23 Sep 2007|05:23pm] |
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I'm working on a video installation (for this, my research is watching Acconci/Abramovic/Barney/Burden/Wagner/etc videos, which has been exciting [and projectors - less exciting]. Finally saw That Self, the video in which the action above takes place).
I'm researching Enheduanna, a princess-priestess from ancient Mesopotamia who spoke with Inanna, a goddess, then wrote poems in her exaltation.
I'm reading, reading, reading about capturing the pain and death of others on film and migration patterns in the Near East during the Uruk - Ur III Dynasty periods.
I want to do and installation about interpreting sight and sound without a method of vocalizing one's interpretations (before one even has interpretations?), but it's been difficult trying to think like a baby as a 21-year-old college student.
Seeing Matthew Barney as himself is really weird when only familiar with his face through his Cremaster characters.
- Heterosexual male artists, no matter how intelligent, totally can't get over having basically any chick they use in their piece be naked.
I want to do Acconci's piece and masturbate under a fake floor.
I want to re-do everything by men that has nothing to do with sex. Crawl across glass? Think of the imagery!
A lot of female performance art from the 90s directly referenced Yves Klein. Did people really take Yves Klein seriously? Those naked girls are really hilarious, right? It's like the bad Vienna Actionists that just had orgies on stage and named them ballets, but with a suit and that klassy klein blue.
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[18 Sep 2007|07:02pm] |
i've decided (finally) to turn myself into a ghost for my senior thesis project. i suppose i shouldn't give away too many details, as i've been trying to keep myself from cursing myself by revealing too much before it happens. (I know there's an easier way to say that, but I'm distracted by all the action going on around me in the third north computer lab.)
my birthday's soon. i'll be 22. my senior thesis show is in january. my graduation is in may. i have no idea what the fuck i'm going to do with myself after i leave this grand institution - where i'm going to live, how i'm going to make sufficient money, when i'm going to figure out the path to get me to a career that i love, how i'm going to continue being creative and pushing myself so i can get into grad school.
i have a good job, an amazing internship, most likely a really wonderful skill set, but i am so, so, unbelievably scared. and i'm never going back home, which is both inspiring and an additional worry.
i don't know how to end this. i'm going to go call my mom then read some more susan sontag.
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| BUY MY SWEET SHIT |
[11 Dec 2006|01:15pm] |
i don't have pictures, cause i don't have a digital camera, but i am selling these shoes for 50 dollah each, if anyone is interested:
size 37; fits a 6.5. by maloles.
size 6; fits 6. by kors by michael kors (not the imitation. psh.)
shipping'll be based on wherever you live, probz around 5-7? probz less. they're basically new. i have the boxes & have worn them once. (i just never wear them and NEED monies badly)
hopefully i will be getting rid of some marc by marc shit, viv westwood, and some other stuff fairly soon.
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